Dear MVP, David Ortiz, AKA Father Papi,

I don’t know what you said the other night in the dugout. No one without a Red Sox uniform does. That’s probably a good thing. Sometimes it’s less about wording. Sometimes it’s more about the sentiment and its delivery by a man possessed.

I went to bed last night smiling and repeating the phrase “We won the World Series. We won the World Series.” I’d like to think that was all because of a little ministering by Father Papi. So thank you. I am not going to say the city needed that. We didn’t. But we sure appreciated it. You already consoled us through some dark days this spring. And you did it in the way Bostonians appreciate – with brevity and bravado.

The other day my mom asked why you aren’t captain of the team. I couldn’t answer that. Varitek retired with the title in 2011 and before him the Sox hadn’t had a captain since Jim Rice.  I wonder if it’s because sometimes you break things in the dugout when you’re mad? Like the phone. Or perhaps it’s more simple than that. Maybe you just don’t want to do the paperwork.  Either way I am going to make a case for it to John Henry. You have given the Sox three rings. I think we can cough up a C.

Now, I know the win means you are all going to shave now. That’s fine. All I ask is that you don’t get fat. Don’t come back injured. And return hungry. Enjoy the parade boys.


Dear Mike Napoli,

Can I touch it?

In fact, can you make sure everyone on the team touches it? And really gives it a good rub every night. Especially Stephen Drew. Although be warned, you might need to cuddle him a little afterward.  The thing is, the beard is really working for you. Part woodsman. Part Old Testament. With a dash of hillbilly hipster. If hipsters could hit a 95 mph fastball.

My point is the rest of the team is flagging and something needs to be done. Preferably before Saturday.

I think you’ll agree that last night we got a lot out of a little run support. Jon Lester may have wavered at times, but he ultimately pulled it together on the mound. He did his job. Unlike Peavy. Who should probably stroke your beard too. But I am wondering if you could somehow communicate to the rest of the team that they can hit 460 foot homeruns as well. They can hit singles. Getting on the bags anyway possible is fine by me. Just do it consecutively.

Now I don’t want to seem ungrateful for all you boys have done of late. And I got to admit, it was nice to see a little aggression out there last night. Pede and Jacoby showing off their legs. David Ross getting rough at the plate. It was almost unnecessary. No. It was awesome. And I think you should all do it again soon.