Dear John Henry

Editor’s note: When checking my email this morning a certain subject line caught my eye.

How nervous are you?

The email was from my friend Michael – a transplant Red Sox fan like me. I opened it and immediately laughed. He was so eloquent I am just cutting and pasting his email here:

“Do you share my feeling that the wheels are falling off the Red Sox bus as it careens around the corners of a remote mountain road in a country with a loose interpretation of traffic safety?”

Naturally, with a series with the Yankees just hours from opening this prompted me to write another letter to the Red Sox administration asking them to do their jobs.

Dear John Henry,

I kind of feel like I got swindled out of a twenty by a guy asking for change for a dollar. After all that maneuvering where we shipped off Masterson and Kotsay, had Adam LaRoche for less than 24 hours, then sent him packing in exchange for Casey Kotchman, we somehow wound up with three first basemen, no new pitching, and are short outfielders.

After all that dealing the season is going down on fumes. Now Papi is shuttered in the bathroom refusing to come out until he knows more information while the rest of the team is left tripping over their crutches and bumbling with the oxygen masks that have fallen from the ceiling. Theo pulled a switch and we are left with … Paul Byrd.

You remember him John. He is the guy the San Francisco Chronicle busted in 2007 for shipping nearly $25,000 in human growth hormone and syringes to his home and writing a book about how Jesus told him not to cheat. No?

Never mind. All you need know is that he is 38 years-old, hasn’t pitched since October of last year, and thinks 2009 might be the year he gets a ring. Don’t worry. I’m sure Theo knows what he’s doing. Paul Byrd will save us.


Cc: Tom Werner, Theo Epstein, Tito, Big Papi, Jason Varitek, Brad Penny, Jonathan Papelbon, Nick Green and every other under performing Sox player on the roster.

2 thoughts on “Dear John Henry

  1. Sorry to tell you this Kris, but i dont have the Red Sox making it past the first round, Im not even convinced that they will make the playoffs. If the White Sox get Peavy back and Texas keeps playing like they do the Sox wont win the wildcard. The Yankees will win the division because of the money they have. If the Sox dont grow up and step up there will be no October in Boston this year.

  2. We are going to get it done. It just won’t be pretty. And if we don’t, I anticipate receiving a phone call from the front office asking for my assistance.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s