Earlier this week a male friend asked me to collaborate with him on a start up venture certain to change the world, certain to make him/us money. Naturally I was interested in learning the finer details of his surefire plan. I like helping people. I like money.
While I cannot reveal the scope of the business, or even how it will be delivered, all you need to know is that the target audience is young, single women. I signed on as an outside (pro bono) consultant partly because I felt bad for him having to navigate the world of the female mind alone, and partly because I have too many other projects in the air. Hello … http://www.theadorablestalker.com …
You see, despite having two master’s degrees from Stanford, he needs my brain. Why? Is it because he views me as his academic equal? Because I have the expertise and know how to pull this off? Because I have the financials to back it up? Hell no! I have two X chromosomes – therefore I am uniquely qualified. Besides, I think he was just tired of doing the research. He spent last weekend watching the film He’s Just Not That Into You and reading up on the female brain. (He may have even Netflixed Sex and the City.) Poor poor man. I told him to start reading my blogs – at least those are free resources.
My first assignment is to define what women really want in a partner. It sounded easy at the time. But in all honesty, I’m 28 years old. I’ve been dating for half of my life now and I still haven’t figured it out. I thought about compiling a list of what I want, but I realize I am not representative of all females. (Plus my track record shows that I have a tendency to find commit phobes extremely attractive.) So this is may be where you throw him a bone and add some.
My list after 48 hours of marinating:
Athletic ability: Someone who is either my equal or who can kick my ass in most sports. Essentially, that means he knows something about sports in the first place. This bodes well for our future children who will all earn athletic scholarships.
A loyal partner: The whole point of a relationship is to have someone in the trenches with you. So while one person keeps tabs on all of the car maintenance and bills and technology in the house, (not me), the other bakes cookies, grocery shops and does the laundry (me.) Notice loyalty was mentioned earlier. I’m not going to mention it again because it’s out there.
Creative intelligence. Just because you did well on the SATs doesn’t mean you’re smart. Build something. Make something. Design something. Think of an idea all by yourself! And teach me something new.
A killer instinct: If we are approached in a dark alley by a man with a knife, I don’t want someone who is going to leave me in his dust. Note: this also means he must volunteer to eradicate all of the bugs that crawl into our apartment. None of this putting it in a cup and releasing it outside BS … the offending insect already knows the way in…
Sensitivity: Don’t be that guy taking a picture of the homeless people in Union Square holding the sign, “need money for beer.” It’s not funny. And you look like a douchebag.
Physical attraction: Making out is a huge part of any romantic relationship. So … make me want to make out with you. Shower. With soap. Smell good. And be good at hand holding.
A comedian: No one wants a relationship without laughter. Make me smile.
An active partner: Go on roadtrips with me. I’ll navigate, you drive. Take me camping. I’ll cook, you pitch the tent and fight off the bears. Let’s do stuff…together.
That’s all I got people. I’m certain I’m forgetting stuff so I am opening up the floor to you… and gentleman, if there are any still reading at this point, feel free to comment on what you are looking for – I’m sure my friend will somehow incorporate it into his business plan. What’s in it for you? Internet fame? Money? Season tickets to the Sox? Um…no…. Just a few less crazy females/males in the world.