RE: the Sox need help

Dear Tito,

I am writing to you today to offer my services as a motivational speaker for the Boston Red Sox. You don’t even have to pay me. You see, for the past few months I have investigated potential volunteer opportunities in the San Francisco Bay Area – from tutoring high school students to advocating for veterans. But after attending last night’s T-ball game against Oakland I realized that no organization needs me more than the BoSox.

So here I am.

Now, I will confess that I have never performed any type of motivational speaking before. But I can assure you that we won’t do any form of new age group therapy; we aren’t going to sit in a circle holding hands and talking about our feelings. Red Sox Nation demands results and cuddling isn’t going to get us there.

I’m sure you’ve read the headlines. I’m sure you’ve seen the rankings. But in case you’ve been trapped underneath something heavy for the past two weeks, let me fill you in on what people are saying: We suck right now. We sucked yesterday. And we will probably suck tomorrow. That’s it. And that’s where I come in.

I will likely berate everyone in the clubhouse at one point or another including you. I will point fingers. I may consider collecting penalty fees for every time you leave three men stranded on the bags, for every error, for every time a pitcher gets shelled in the first. I may implement a policy where fans collect $10 on their way out after every embarrassing loss to serve as a little consolation prize; sorry we lost again, go buy yourself a beer and a hot dog.

The bottom line is the team is being paid too much to suck this bad. I purchased the MLB At Bat application for my iPhone during spring training – it’s time to broadcast a win. If you were to offer me $10,000 for every pitch I throw, I am pretty sure I could make it over the plate. Let’s do this. The good news is we have plenty of time to turn things around. The good news is I am available now.

I look forward to discussing this matter with you in person.



P.S. If you could get me on John Henry’s calendar I would appreciate it. I am eager to discuss the new uniforms and logo. They are terrible. No wonder we are playing so poorly. I would feel bad about myself in those uniforms too.

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