I am pretty sure the people at Verizon and Samsung have teamed up to kill me and my family using a combination of crappy cell phone technology and psychological warfare. Their plan: exploit our passionate (explosive?) natures and slowly drive us mad by equipping us with inferior touchscreens and planting outrageous sales people in our presence.
You see, it was only three weeks ago that I extracated myself from a cell phone that brought me nothing but pain, frustration, high blood pressure and unwanted text messages, only to discover that my little brother has been shackled with the same fate.
Just three days after I purchased my iPhone I spoke to him about my new toy and all its capabilities. I didn’t think I could ever love something without a heartbeat, I confessed. That’s when Matty told me the people at Verizon sold him the very same model Samsung that I had tried to break repeatedly – at work. At home. On the streets of San Francisco. Alone. When I thought I was alone. And in the presence of others.
Take it back, I warned him. It’s evil. It’s possessed. It will try to kill you! But I just sounded like crazy talking. His phone seemed to be working just fine. They’ve done upgrades he was promised. that was then. Today I received the following text message from Matty:
HIM: Damn this phone! Damn this phone to hell!!
ME: I am going to get you an iPhone. In the meantime, take it back. You have 30 days to return it and get one that won’t break your spirit.
HIM: Nonsense! This phone will not break me! I will break this phone!
ME: Take it back Matty.
HIM: There’s a thirty dollar restocking fee! I’ll just smash the F*ckr.
ME: Pay the 30 bucks
HIM: I’ll pay the Ferryman at the River Styx before I pay that thirty clams to Verizon!
ME: You are too much.
HIM: Someone’s got to be.
I love my brother. I cannot believe the people at Verizon would do this to him. If you or anyone you love is even thinking about purchasing a Samsung Glyde – stop them. Do what you need to do. Take them down at the knees. Tie them up and carry them into the nearest Apple store. It’s for their own good.