'Tis the season

I am trying to get into the Christmas spirit. I am. But between the economy being in the shitter, my car trying to commit suicide in the driveway, and stalkers roaming my neighborhood – I have zero desire to leave my house. Not to mention the creepy window displays downtown.

This weekend I had the lofty goal of starting and completing my Christmas shopping. I was going to go Friday after dinner. Instead, I came home to find a strange man standing in my driveway outside the gate. He wasn’t doing anything but smoking, but he frightened me. I hurried past him and opened the gate just far enough to slip inside our apartment complex.

Editor’s note: Always listen to your inner voice. She is always right.

He murmured something under his breath and offered to help carry the packages in my driveway upstairs into my apartment.

“One of them is heavy,” he said.

This only confirmed my suspicions: He was wackjob. He said he was a friend of my roommates. I nodded then left him standing outside in the cold. Rude perhaps. But in my opinion, it’s better to be rude than dead. I went inside and locked the door. My roommate came home 15 minutes later. I told her I saw her friend outside and apologized for not letting him in. She looked alarmed and asked what the person looked like.

“He’s not my friend. That’s my stalker,” she said.

And he is. He texts her at least 40 times a day. Emails her long messages professing his unending love for her. Then calls her leaving hateful voicemails. Meanwhile, she has told him to leave her alone and get out of her life. Her stalker returned to our apartment minutes later and broke into our compound. He was standing three inches from our door when my manfriend arrived and confronted him. Police were called. Restraining orders will be filed. The only upside to the whole situation was that the officers who responded arrived within minutes and were extremely helpful and attractive.

My next attempt to Christmas shop was foiled by the disturbing window displays in Union Square. Some genius pitched the concept of hiring men and women to dance in the windows of the Sketchers store downtown wearing shoes on their hands and white face paint. It scares me. I refuse to purchase anything from that store. I never have, and now, I assure you, I never will. And they aren’t the only one who bought into this lame marketing scheme. LuluLemon is paying a woman to dance in the windows too. I was in the store when I first noticed her. My response: hanging up the running shorts I was holding and walking out the door.

I know the economy is hurting, but I refuse to support bad design and poor judgment. When in doubt, always go the Macy’s route. This year they have live animals from the Humane Society playing in the window displays. Puppies and kittens are always a winner. I think that’s where my roommate’s stalker went wrong. The heavy package in our driveway Friday? It was from him. It contained a Bonsai tree. Lame.

So considering the alternatives, I may just stay inside and shop online this Christmas. My first purchase? Pepperspray.

2 thoughts on “'Tis the season

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