Generally speaking, a new mate rarely asks for a credit report on the first date. This and the fact that within five seconds of meeting someone you can easily deduce whether or not you will ever make out with them is another reason I have concluded that finding a new housemate is more difficult than landing a new significant other.
After nearly two months of on again off again searching, I have met a number of potential new roommates, responded to about a dozen different craiglist postings and found zero that I believe I would be compatible living with. And I am not sure why.
Here’s what I am looking for: someone who replaces the toilet paper roll when it is empty. Someone who takes out trash when it is full. A person who is friendly and will occasionally hang out with me and my friends. Someone who works. Someone with a personality bigger than that of a hermit crab. Someone who does not care who I vote for in the upcoming presidential election or whether I eat meat. This does not sound difficult.
Yet, it is …
Here is a small sampling of the types of demands I have recently come across on the SF craigslist postings.
- No attorneys.
- No Republicans.
- We are all vegan or vegetarian and you are too.
- We are a 420 household.
- I am as messy as I want to be.
- Looking for a queer roommate only.
Now, I consider myself a pretty open-minded person. But moving to San Francisco has definitely brought out my conservative side.
I am a registered independent. But why does my political affiliation matter? I rarely cook meat in the house, but that is only because I rarely cook. Why should anyone care what I put into my own body? I am straight, but I don’t care who you sleep with. Setting those types of rigid limitations doesn’t seem very liberal or open-minded now does it? I guess I am just not that interested in wind chimes, yoga, or living in a house that smells like weed.
I understand that “normal” is a relative term. Especially in San Francisco. But, where are all the relatively normal folks living in this city? It’s kind of like searching for straight hot guys here. I hear they are around. I am just not sure where exactly they are. Are they in hiding? Trapped under something heavy? But that is another post entirely.
Back to the roommate search. While skimming roommate postings today I decided to compile a best of list for your enjoyment. This is not a joke.
Nob Hill apartment: $600 looking for a live in girlfriend to geti’m single and tired of living alone in my small ass studio. i want a 1 bedroom somewhere near nob hill within walking distance of the financial district. Im caucasian 24, 5’10, brown hair, blue eyes, fit. Not particular about your age or ethnicity … just looking for chemistry/ltr.
Editor’s note: He sounds like a winner. I can’t imagine why he is single and living alone.
Me: I work full time and I am very busy.
Editor’s note: Yes, that was all the information this individual provided.
SHARED ROOM 4 AT LEAST TILL OCT. 1ST!!! FREE!!! (inner sunset/UCSF) PLEASE BE FEMALE ONLY! REPEAT FEMALE ONLY! PLEASE CALL ME 650.XXX.XXXX THKS MATT
Editor’s note: Matt in SF, you are a creep who should be arrested.
This next post was crafted in its entirety to the tune of Mister Rogers’ Won’t You Be My Neighbor song. The entire post would be too long to share. But here is an excerpt.
“We live by the park there’s lots of green, On 25th we’re nice and clean, Would you be mine? Could you be mine? Oh won’t you be my roommate?
I have always wanted to have a roomate just like you, I’ve always wanted to live in an apartment with you.
So let’s make the most of this beautiful city, Since we’re together, we might as well say. Would you be mine? Could you be mine?”
Editor’s note: The hairs on the back of my neck were standing up when I read this whole post. Why, why, why would anyone use the theme song from Mister Rogers to attract a new roommate. It’s almost as creepy as Matt from Richmond.
I think that is enough roommate searching for one day.