I developed this post in response to questions posed by some male friends of mine. Namely, one. Our e-mails often resemble therapy sessions where he confesses his issues with the female population and I typically wind up shooting his theories about us down. And since I am not being paid for my musings, I figure the rest of those people (males) might benefit from reading our conversations. I just need to get some male readers first.
Editor’s Note: This email thread came about after he asked out a cute girl at a shoe store. Only he didn’t ask her out at the store. He left. Thought about it for an hour and wound up calling her at her work to ask her out. Turns out she had a boyfriend. Or so she said.
Boy: Do you think the call was a good idea (by showing initiative) or was it kinda’ random/weird? I weighed out the possibilities and like I said, I didn’t want to wait around for a whole week.
Me: Here is where things get tricky. We like it when you folks show initiative and call, but you folks often misinterpret our being nice with us wanting to sleep with you. I think it’s time you revisit the film When Harry Met Sally. Forget about the totally dated clothing and pay attention to the message. In sum: We’re on to you.
Personally, I think you should have waited the week until your shoes came in. That way, you could let her marinate about things and look forward to seeing you when you came in again. I think that you guys are on to something when you wait a bit before you call. You have us second guessing ourselves and hoping you will call. When you (finally) do, you look like a damn hero. That is, unless you’ve waited TOO long and don’t have a good excuse and we have forgotten who you are in the first place. Hope I didn’t totally kill your enthusiasm.
Him: Yes, I was aware of the risk of confusing niceness and attraction however, closed mouths don’t get fed. I’m going to start looking at this as a sales job or fishing… I think fishing will actually work. The more lines in the water, the more likely you are to snag a keeper. Girls are fish.
Me: Boys are stupid. Have you ever fished before? Sidenote: You totally just related women to creatures with about a five second memory. Not good. And fishing is the worst analogy for the perfect dating strategy. More lines in the water do not equal more fish. It’s just a waste of bait my friend.
Fishing is strategic. You have to go at the right time. You have to understand what the fish like and buy the appropriate bait. You have to find a special place you don’t tell people about and safeguard the secrets. Then you have to wait. For a long time. You will get a few nibbles. Likely cast your hook into a bunch of weeds several times that takes a lot of time to unravel. Or you have to decide whether to cut the line and begin again. Then you will inevitably catch a few fish that are either not the required size or just flounders. A few will get away. You might end up spending all day and never getting a good bite. Fishing is not a good analogy.
Playing by the numbers never gets you a keeper.
Him: I never knew you to be so knowledgeable of the fishing world. Very impressive. You rebuttal is a good one, I will accept your argument and take that into consideration next time I want to relate women to creatures with a 5 second memory. I’ll not be so general in my analogy next time…
Me: I accept your apology. There was a study performed in England a few years back that showed how the species is getting dumber. More women with higher degrees and higher paying jobs are marrying less and breeding less because their male counterparts are intimidated by them and don’t want to date them. And the ladies are opting out of relationships too because males are so inept. I am starting to think that I am still single because I am a freaking genius.