the five second rule

So my dear friend was recently broken up with by a girl via text message.

Not only was this totally cold, but it was from a girl he didn’t even like. They went out a few times, suffered through an awkward make out session and had nothing in common. Still, he felt compelled to still hang out with her. I explained to him the concept of the five second rule women use. However, I am not sure he fully grasped its simplicity.

Him: I always look at things with a positive perspective and instead of taking things (or people) at face value I try to focus too much on their good qualities. Should I have tried to continue [dating her] after all I could think was how much she didn’t stop talking, or that she had short nubby hands, OR that I didn’t even want to try kissing her at the end of the night hence the awkward one that came of it because I was ill-prepared, OR that it felt like a chore to try and meet up rather than something I was truly looking forward to??? All good questions, All good reasons that I completely let slip through my personal filter because I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt after the first date.

Me: I think you need to listen more to the voice in your head. Not wanting to kiss a girl should be a sign that you aren’t into her. You are too nice. You need to apply additional filters. My filter takes five seconds. Your method, while perhaps kinder, takes a hell of a lot longer and wastes time. I have broken up with men because they wore too high of socks before. Shallow maybe. But you know what, I want what I want.

Him:  That’s a good thing because if I met you and you were dating a guy who wore long socks, I wouldn’t be your friend… Guilt by association. You are like a total skinny Buddha. Quite wise I must say. Now my next goal in this “practice dating” phase. How to set up a new mental filter and actually stick to it

Me:  That’s the thing. You don’t have to do anything to set up your filter. It’s already been programmed. You just have to start listening to it. That’s your problem. You talk too much. The filter is already there. Just pay attention. Here are some tips. Within 5 seconds you should be able to:

* Tell if you want to kiss a person or not. If not, without the assistance of a blindfold or alcohol, do not pass go.

* Know if you want to keep talking to this person. If not, again, do not pass go.

* Hope they are into you too.

You should be able to pick an answer to these three questions within five seconds. If you can’t, don’t give them your phone number.

Over the years I’ve expanded my personal filter to include the following:

Are his legs bigger than mine?

Can he beat me in arm wrestling?

Will he gladly kill the spiders in my room?

Can he program any sort of electronic device in the house?

Does he have a basic knowledge of tools and how to use them?

Can he read?

Does he eat meat? (I like to think of myself as openminded and accepting of others. But I like red meat and I like it rare.)

Now I know what you are thinking.

Can women really deduce all of this information within five seconds of meeting someone? And the answer is yes. Either that or we just really want to make out with you.

One thought on “the five second rule

  1. yes… all of that, but don’t forget: we are programmed to spread our seed throughout the flock. Sometimes that means chasing that ewe around the hillside… because, well, she’s the one in front of us.

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